It’s scary, isn’t it? The way the world turns in one direction without ever looking back. She brings with herself all of her remorse and our destruction. Our invasion, our filth. Yet she still moves, this stubborn planet, towards one direction, obeying the laws of God. And she will only change her direction when God tells her to, when it is Time.
But her inhabitants are not as patient, not as simple. We curse when we regret our choices, we find ways go defy the simple laws of physics to tear a hole through time and space to undo our creations. If we can’t, we erase our mistakes and pretend we never fouled in our lives because we tell ourselves that the world turns in one direction and one direction only.
So why do I turn away from God unless I need him? Why do I question my faith and doubt His existence? He showed me pain and healed me. He showed me anger and loved me. He showed me sadness and cheered me. He showed me emptiness and kept my faith. I know what it was like go live without a religion, without faith; a void within a vessel. To keep believing and to see His signs were my choice. I asked Him to prove to me (shamefully I admit, it should be me who needs to prove to Him) and yet He did in the most beautiful way, I tear up when I think back.
He showed me through a man that I love, a man that I cannot replace. And through this man, he shared with me his own wavering doubt of faith, whose pillars tremble and vision obscured by curiosity and the desire to fulfill them. Then he at last gave in to the One who watched his every move and brought him back to the right path.
"He was showing us in His own way," he said.
This man has been questioning God’s purpose and asking Him to make him less smart. He was only 9 years old. But God only made him more smart, and thus he grew up an intellect. I read his face and saw no signs of pain, guilt, shame or anger. They were all, however, hidden in his eyes. It was until he lost control of the physical reality we call the World. He wanted to satisfy his curiosity but lost the one thing he most depended on: control. That was when he remembered God and turned to God to make it go away.
Then there was an expedition he went with his friends. They were at a river when he lost his safety harness and fell into the water.
"I thought I was going to die," he said.
I tried to read his face but it was too dark. I let my gaze fall onto the crashing waves beneath us.
"The current was fast, I lost my safety harness, and I couldn’t move. I was pinned down by boulders," he took another drag of his cigarette.
I fell so silent I heard my heart race. The thought of him helpless without air, my throat closed up.
"Then I told myself ‘okay, I am going to die here. This is it.’" He continued, "After I prayed, miraculously, the boulder lifted off of me and I was free."
I shifted my gaze back to him. His eyes flickered to the factory lights in a distance. He almost looked pale, but calm. His hand did not shake, the cigarette was still lit, and he let out a lungful of smoke from his lips. Calm, composed and so sure. That is how I have always known him all my life. To imagine him calmly reciting his prayer in the water, beneath the surface where his friends were probably frantic was almost possible.
Exhaling to myself, I thanked God for answering my prayers when I prayed for his safety sometimes after my Isya’ prayers. I swallowed whatever that was choking my throat and smiled. I remained silent. That’s what he does to me sometimes; stay silent and think. Pushing me over the edge while I plunge into the recesses of my mind, as he waits to catch me at the bottom.
"I’m glad you are safe," I finally said.
"But it was fun, it makes you feel alive," he said shrugging, before hanging the cigarette loosely between his lips.
So happy I got an A- for my German class! DAS IST JA TOLL